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We cannot live without compromise : time, money, work, family, our body, and circumstances impose very real limits. Maturity consists, in part, in recognising them. But compromise becomes something else when, in every negotiation, it is always the same part of us that gives way…

- The reason -

The word evokes moderation, caution, and the ability to think before acting. It protects us from impulsive decisions and reckless gambles. Yet, by constantly trying to be reasonable, we change what the word means. And reason becomes an excuse for keeping ourselves frozen exactly where we are, regardless of the circumstances.

We learn very early to distinguish what is realistic from what is not, what counts as a « real » project from what merely looks like a dream. Then come work, responsibilities, financial constraints, other people’s opinions, and age. As life fills up, the space left for the unexpected seems to shrink.

But caution is not the problem. The difficulty lies in not confusing :

Caution with Giving Up ;

Maturity with Stagnation ;

Realism with Giving up ahead.

What leads us to wait until we are certain, legitimate, competent, or confident enough before we begin is precisely what prevents us from moving in the direction we would like to take.

- The invisible rules -

There is no handbook or rulebook dictating how an adult life should unfold. And yet, we seem to know all its unwritten principles. These norms are not formally imposed on us, they circulate through conversations, family habits, the professional world, and social representations. Above all, we eventually internalise them. At that point, we no longer need anyone to tell us to stay reasonable : we do it ourselves.

Then, certain ages are assumed to come with certain priorities. Some ambitions are considered acceptable when we are young, only to become progressively more fanciful : starting over is courageous at twenty-five, worrying at forty, and almost suspicious later on.

Self-determination theory, developed notably by Edward Deci and Richard Ryan, distinguishes between action driven by pressure and expectations and action rooted more strongly in autonomy, a sense of competence, and connection with others. It obviously does not suggest ignoring the constraints of reality. Rather, it reminds us that lasting motivation is also nourished by the sense that we are choosing what we do and recognising its personal value.

In other words, our life can look perfectly coherent from the outside and yet gradually begin to feel foreign to us.

- When no one is watching -

We tend to identify change and success with visible events : a degree, a publication, a performance, a move, a resignation, the completion of a project, winning a trophy. But these moments are only the public part of a process that began much earlier.

Before someone calls themselves a musician, they have spent hundreds of hours practising their instrument. Before a text is published, there are deleted pages and rewritten sentences. Before a photograph is published, it has gone through clean-up or retouching, reframing, and unsuccessful shots. Before a career change, there is research, learning, and doubt to overcome.

These invisible hours receive no external reward :

No one applauds an hour of work that produces nothing worth showing ;

No one hands out a medal for starting over twenty times.

And yet, this is precisely where skills are built, and a form of identity.

What we do when no one is watching reveals our priorities. Not because every passion should be turned into a productive goal, but because some activities continue to resonate within us even when they bring neither money, status, nor recognition.

- Self-confidence -

We will begin when we feel ready. We will show our work when it is good enough. We will take our chance when we are no longer afraid.

This logic rests on a common reversal : we imagine that self-confidence must produce action… when, in fact, action helps produce self-confidence.

Albert Bandura’s work on self-efficacy highlighted the importance of mastery experiences : having faced a task and discovered that we could succeed at it influences our belief in our ability to handle similar situations.

This does not mean that fear or doubt disappears after the first step. Some decisions remain uncomfortable throughout the process. We must then accept to begin before we feel ready :

Being a beginner / Starting over ;

Producing something imperfect ;

Not knowing exactly where it will lead ;

Discovering what action teaches us.

- Calibration -

Adapting or changing does not necessarily mean destroying everything. Transformation is more like sorting through what is already there :

What we want to keep : the responsibilities we have chosen, the relationships that nourish us, the skills we have acquired, the commitments that still have meaning.

What we can let go of : certain obligations that have become automatic, certain definitions of success, certain inherited fears, certain versions of ourselves that were once useful but no longer are.

Making this distinction requires more discernment than rebellion. It is not about systematically rejecting what is stable or conventional. A decision is not more authentic simply because it is dramatic. Staying can be just as free a choice as leaving.

The real question is uncomfortable because it does not fit neatly with our excuses : « Is this (still/truly) our choice? » It forces us to distinguish real constraints from those we have gradually come to regard as such. Because between « It’s impossible » and « It’s not accessible right now », there is an enormous amount of territory.

Refusing to be reasonable does not mean becoming irresponsible. There is an essential difference between taking a risk and denying its consequences. This is not about quitting a job on a whim, blowing through our savings, or turning every frustration into a radical break.

The kind of unreasonableness at stake here is far less spectacular. It means making time for an activity whose outcome no one can guarantee :

Sending an application despite feeling that we do not perfectly match the profile ;

Learning something later in life ;

Returning to an abandoned project ;

Showing imperfect work ;

Saying that we want more, or simply something different.

It also means accepting that a project can fail without the time devoted to it being considered wasted. We are too quick to judge an attempt solely by its final outcome. Yet an experience can develop a skill, lead to an encounter, shift a boundary, or simply show us that this is not the right path. In short : experimenting in order to move forward, and adjust when necessary.

Conclusions

Caution asks : « What do I risk losing? »

A fully considered decision asks : « What do I risk losing if I never try? »

Perhaps becoming less reasonable simply begins by making room for what has not yet proved its profitability, effectiveness, or chances of success.

This is not about turning our life into a permanent manifesto, nor about following every impulse. It is about no longer automatically treating desire as the enemy of reason.

Sometimes, being reasonable means recognising that a life spent postponing certain things also comes at a cost. And being a little unreasonable may simply mean stopping the habit of always negotiating against ourselves.

What do you think?